Before the Journey, [Year Redacted], [Location Redacted]

Today was the third worst day of my adult life, following only my marriages to both Tammies. I attended the funeral of  Li’l Sebastian (and some caretaker of his I guess). Leslie suggested I write my feelings in this journal. That is stupid, but if it makes her leave me alone, I’ll do it.

On my way from the Meat Booth to the ceremonial flame lighting ceremony, I overheard some weirdo trying to recruit people on his “mission.”  Thinking nothing of it, I went about my flame-lighting duties. The rest of Li’l Sebastian’s funeral was beautiful. I allowed myself to cry for the second time ever (just one tear though – a man should keep his tears in his eyes, where they belong).

Then it happened. A smell of sulfur. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Tammy. But not just any Tammy – Tammy One. The true nemesis of my very being. I had to get the hell out of there, so I ran back to City Hall and grabbed the bug-out bag I’d stashed years earlier in the ceiling, and ran.

On my way through Ramsett Park I saw the weirdo again, this time with a small following. I half-heard what she was rambling about, but I heard the words “adventure” and “gold,” so I figured this must be some sort of  contest at which any man would excel. I inquired about the distance of the journey, and when a boat was mentioned I joined in. Tammy 1 probably can’t cross water. Most evil witches can’t.

DAY 1

Heard about some sort of leather-bound book the crew wants to steal from some woman. This book came into her possession through the hard work of her own hands – this is an outrage! Unfortunately, I’m already on the boat and can’t turn back at this point. I am also beginning to suspect that these people know something I don’t. I hate this.

Speaking of the crew, here are their ranks, according to the Swansong Pyramid of Greatness:

KANYE – Yes. Man. Large. Strong.

NOR – Yes. Man. Strong.

SERAPHINA – Okay. Girl. Strong. Odd looking.

ZYLDI – Fuzzy. Woman.

KILGORE – Frustrating. Girl. Possible potential.

GALLIARD – No. Boy. Too happy.

KULU – Cat. Cats are useless.

ELGARD – Absolutely not. The most insufferable man I’ve ever met. I take that back… I regret calling him a man.

BOAT

This is a marvelous ship. The wood is beautiful.

CAVE DAY

A cave! I can’t wait to build a fire and relax around a plate of hot meats! This is a good trip – except for the people.

An updated list of their rankings:

KANYE – Idiot.

NOR – Bigger idiot.

SERAPHINA – Fine, I guess.

ZYLDI – A lovely woman. Kind. Rest of the team should show more respect.

KILGORE – Not terrible.

GALLIARD – Idiot.

KULU – Cat.

ELGARD – I have no words to describe what a moron this “man” is.

CAVE CONTINUED

Things have taken a turn. This group is impulsive. All they do is open doors, and they don’t listen to reason. At first I thought this was some sort of prank, but it would seem that there are some unseen forces at play. Being a sane man, I don’t typically buy in to magic, but Tammy is some sort of Dragon Bitch, so I guess anything is possible. That or that idiot Jean Ralphio slipped me something the other day.

I have acquired some hands. Decided to bring along 5 of them. A tip: Use every part of the animal. Even the fingers. Maybe I can use the bone to fashion something useful later. People who buy things are suckers.

Got stuck in some kind of water room. Got out fast.

Found some swords on a wall. Considered smelting them to make something better – would have been fun, but it didn’t work out.

This journal thing isn’t a bad idea. I only have one pencil, though, so I’ll keep further entries short until I can find some graphite and make a new one.

Journal 2 [Date Redacted], [Location Redacted]

The crew has taken on a clown, Bardo. At first I was standoffish, but this clown kicks ass.

During a fight, two morons and that lovely fuzzy woman were rendered unconscious, the latter only because she tried to rescue Nor. Cat fought nobly. Will deny that I ever said that in public.

Someone found a gem. Could use my smithing abilities to shine it up.

Kilgore was very tired and whiny today. Typical.

Clown earned his salt again. Some of that promised gold was found. Will add to my stash.

The giant and the stupid guy went up the stairs and came back looking like they might wet their pants. Probably saw a small girl and were afraid to face her. (Ha ha ha. I am hilarious.)

Ran into an electrified chest – did my best at a distance, but the idiots kept trying to touch it. Natural selection at its finest.

I realize this will sound insane, but there was a ghost in the room. An actual ghost. Whatever Jean Ralphio put in my scotch is powerful. It still hasn’t worn off.

We found the book. The leatherwork is terrible. I could refurbish it with some calf leather, but there’s no time. Nor are there any cows available. The book is in good hands with the fuzzy woman.

OUTSIDE; SOMEWHERE

I must have fallen asleep because we ended up somewhere else and I don’t remember the journey.

Everyone argued over what to do with the book. I still thought we should just give it to the lich. Someone finally returned her property to her. I don’t see what the fuss was about.

Something about Soulmonger. Galliard keeps talking about convincing it to join his band, so perhaps some musician?

We are headed back to the ship to go to Chult (?). Not sure where that is, but as long as it’s miles away from Tammy 1, I’ll be there.